My clothes have shrunk. They truly have!! .. I'm sure they were not that tight last time I wore certain items..they have shrunk !! I could not have put on weight ..could I?
Face the facts girl.. you have. Its hard to admit it to ones self that the kilos have started to creep back on when I wasn't looking. They seem to have stuck themselves to me with gusto making things a bit snugger than I like. But why should I feel bad about this? Because as far as society is concerned I should.
Now I'm nearly 6ft tall and not a skinny person in any sense. I'm broad and " big boned" I have been told. I am the large one in the family. the big girl.. The others quite small and dainty, No matter how hard I try I will never be one of the wafer thin sticks that are the same height as me and I don't know if I really would want to be. I am curvy in most of the right spots with some wobbly bits thrown in for good measure but this is me.
I have always felt that nagging pressure to be a certain way. I have been known to ask the questions..
Does my bum look big in this?.. yep
Does it make my muffin top spread to a loaf of bread? yep
Should I be as graceful as the dainty gazelles that grace the cover of the latest magazine after giving birth to their 10th child and still not have a stretch mark to show for it? yep.
I know this is unrealistic.
I have tried on many occasions to suck the tummy in and only release it when no one is watching. I have a great collection of 'fat pants ' to hold bits in that would otherwise like to escape and run wild with the rest of the wobbles. These do a fantastic job if I decide not to eat, move in a way that may cause them to hitch a ride in a not so pretty place or breath deeply. I know its how we women perceive ourselves that fuel this feeling of inadequacy but to be honest it doesn't help when bombarded with skinny is beautiful and any other way is not.
Yes there are those women out there who are genetically blessed with the perfect body and looks ( half their luck ! ) but this is a very small minority. Its just that these are the women we are shown in media. Where are the ' normal ' girls ? We are here !! I hear you yell.
I love food. I love the way it melts and tastes. I enjoy eating with friends and family and sharing a bottle of vino over a good chat. I know what I am putting into my mouth has the potential to shrink my clothes. I shouldn't care but I do. I don't have much will power and that frustrates me huge time.
I'm 42 heading for the 43 mark. I have bits that wobble on my wobbles, knees that are starting to face south and I don't look good in a pair of low cut jeans..( who does !). I have wrinkles that I figure are telling my life story and hair that really is not my crowning glory deciding to share its natural highlights of grey with the world. we all get older..all of us. To those smarty pants girls who snigger as I walk past.. girls you will get old too !!!
I am sure I will continue to struggle with my body issues all the time pretending I dont care. I will try , honestly try to be more accepting of myself but sometimes it aint that easy. But I will not deny myself that piece of chocolate that is calling very loudly over my shoulder so I can just be the skinny girl. How boring life would be without it !
Cheers Dilly xx
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